thealtruismsociety Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Anything glaring? Dr. Charles Escher bolts from his lab, slamming the door behind him. Thin and lean, he wears a white overcoat, pristine in appearance. He increases his stride and rounds a corner as the lab door swings open again. Several of his assistants spill into the hallway, shouting his name. "Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry. Their call falls on deaf ears--Charles is gone. He knows the building well, escaping his pursuers with ease. He slips through the hallways, then descends the stairwell to the ground floor of Stitch Enterprises. Upon reaching the lobby, he makes for the front entrance. His shoes--clacking sharp on the foyer tile--betray his presence. Charles purses his lips while glancing at his watch. "Not much time at all." He whispers. Charles pushes through the revolving door--a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Anything glaring? Dr. Charles Escher bolts from his lab, slamming the door behind him. Thin and lean, he wears a white overcoat, pristine in appearance. He increases his stride and rounds a corner as the lab door swings open again. Several of his assistants spill into the hallway, shouting his name. "Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry. Their call falls on deaf ears--Charles is gone. He knows the building well, escaping his pursuers with ease. He slips through the hallways, then descends the stairwell to the ground floor of Stitch Enterprises. Upon reaching the lobby, he makes for the front entrance. His shoes--clacking sharp on the foyer tile--betray his presence. Charles purses his lips while glancing at his watch. "Not much time at all." He whispers. Charles pushes through the revolving door--a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it. The phrase "falls on deaf ears" is a little hackneyed. It also implies that he is ignoring his pursuers yet you then say he is "escaping his pursuers" implying that he is deliberately fleeing them. Maybe it's just a style thing. I also think you use commas where they're not needed. E.g. "...a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it." (I do that too.) Other than that, nothing glaring. - Thoth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealtruismsociety Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 The phrase "falls on deaf ears" is a little hackneyed. It also implies that he is ignoring his pursuers yet you then say he is "escaping his pursuers" implying that he is deliberately fleeing them. Maybe it's just a style thing. I also think you use commas where they're not needed. E.g. "...a rotating gateway between the world of his research, and the world soon to be affected by it." (I do that too.) Other than that, nothing glaring. - Thoth Hmm by deaf ears I ment he's not there anymore to hear the cries. Ears not in the area to hear something would be deaf to a sound there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Hmm by deaf ears I ment he's not there anymore to hear the cries. Ears not in the area to hear something would be deaf to a sound there. Got it. But I've never seen it used that way*. Perhaps your story will expand the meaning of the phrase. Also, I don't know why I didn't notice this before but... "Not much time at all." He whispers. should be one sentence. (I.e., "Not much time at all," he whispers.) I hate giving this kind of advice since English is a very flexible and continually evolving language. Writers are the engine of that change. -Thoth *Site on English idioms. Also, you might want to browse the idiom section of this dictionary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealtruismsociety Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Ah the one sentence is good advice. I know grammatically I have a lot of errors. Im basically learning written English all over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serpententacle Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 "Thin and lean" is kind of redundant. Maybe say, "he wears a pristine white overcoat." "With long strides he rounds..." "Several of his assistants shout his name, spilling into the hallway." Do you need to add " 'Dr. Escher?' His pursuers cry." since you mention the very sentence before they were shouting his name? "falls of deaf ears" is cliché "Knowing the building well, he easily escapes his pursuers." "Charles purses his lips, glancing at his watch. "a rotating gateway between his world of research, and the world soon to be affected by it"... do you intend to telegraph this statement, or will the action to follow make the reader to draw this conclusion without it being said? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealtruismsociety Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 "Thin and lean" is kind of redundant. Maybe say, "he wears a pristine white overcoat." "With long strides he rounds..." "Several of his assistants shout his name, spilling into the hallway." Do you need to add " 'Dr. Escher?' His pursuers cry." since you mention the very sentence before they were shouting his name? "falls of deaf ears" is cliché "Knowing the building well, he easily escapes his pursuers." "Charles purses his lips, glancing at his watch. "a rotating gateway between his world of research, and the world soon to be affected by it"... do you intend to telegraph this statement, or will the action to follow make the reader to draw this conclusion without it being said? Could be thin and bony, thin and lanky, I dunno there are many kinds of thin. Dr. Escher as opposed to Charles - Subordinates as opposed to equals I believe a few of the example you gave are passive voice - which I'm trying to avoid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealtruismsociety Posted April 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Thoth - What about this one. "Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry. Would it be "Dr. Escher," his pursuers cry. Do I add in a questioning tone to replace the "?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marguerite Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Could be thin and bony, thin and lanky, I dunno there are many kinds of thin. Dr. Escher as opposed to Charles - Subordinates as opposed to equals I believe a few of the example you gave are passive voice - which I'm trying to avoid. None of Serpententacle's examples are passive voice. Passive voice is used under circumstances like the beginning of this sentence, in which the subject of the sentence does not perform the action but is the object of it ("is used," as distinct from "I use passive voice when I want to hide the subject"). Academics love it (or as devoted scholars would say, "passive voice is loved by certain academics"), because they can avoid offending anyone and, they think, look neutral and detached. Fiction writers and competent nonfiction writers, academic or otherwise, avoid it. Contrary to what you may hear from some editors, a predicate (the sky is blue) is not passive voice, nor is a sentence such as "The wood cracked when the lightning struck." There are, even so, specific circumstances in which passive voice works better than the alternatives—if you want to avoid naming the perpetrator, for example. But inappropriate uses of passive voice far outweigh such exceptions. As to your other question, punctuation should not be doubled: "Dr. Escher?" the pursuers cry. I agree with the "fall on deaf ears" criticism. Technically, absent ears are not deaf but absent. And having issued my rulings like some Supreme Court Justice of Grammar, I will now confine myself to pestering my friends and relations. Best, M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marguerite Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 P.S. I see you were questioning whether you should keep the ? Yes, you should. Periods become commas when all that follows is a speaker attribution. ("I went to the store," she said.) But question marks and (in moderation) exclamation marks do not. And the periods stay if you follow the dialogue with a beat, instead: "I went to the store." She giggled, then reached for her coffee cup. "I haven't had that much fun in years." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 6, 2011 Report Share Posted April 6, 2011 Thoth - What about this one. "Dr. Escher?" His pursuers cry. Would it be "Dr. Escher," his pursuers cry. Do I add in a questioning tone to replace the "?" I think M covered it, although I question one of Justice M's rulings on stylistic grounds. I'd go with, "Dr. Escher," his pursuers cry. But perhaps your style might prefer to keep the question mark, as in, "Dr. Escher?" his pursuers cry. (Note the small "h".) You might also consider "plead" or "implore" instead of "cry", if that's what you mean. Just remember that whether or not you keep the question mark you should try to keep your style consistent. And now I'm going to the store for some fun coffee. It's made with real clowns. Mwahahaha! (Twenty-five and counting, M. ) - Thoth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealtruismsociety Posted April 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Good reading all. Thanks Thanks for the calm, polite advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marguerite Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 The question mark in "Dr. Escher?" does imply, btw, that the pursuers don't know whom they pursue. If they do, Thoth is right, and the comma is better. One other comment: you may want to keep the cliché if it is Dr. Escher's cliché—that is, if it offers insight into his character. But in that case, you need enough clichés, suitably telegraphed, that the reader understands what you're doing. That's easier in a novel than a short story, and no guaranteed success even there. If you want to see it well done, read (re-read?) Agatha Christie's Murder at the Vicarage, but be aware that even a published author leading a local reading group didn't realize Christie had probably put in the clichés on purpose. So it's a tricky strategy at the best of times. Enjoy the coffee, Thoth. Who knew the corner store was such a blast? 24 and counting, M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Thanks for the calm, polite advice. We are nothing if not polite. Of course, it's entirely possible that we are nothing and you're imagining all this. - Thoth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealtruismsociety Posted April 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 The ? is a where are you. If someone said something you don't understand and said, I'm sorry? Your tone would be questioning even if the phrase wasn't a question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 The ? is a where are you. Only if spoken by someone besides yourself. - Thoth! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marguerite Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 The ? is a where are you. If someone said something you don't understand and said, I'm sorry? Your tone would be questioning even if the phrase wasn't a question. But would you "cry" a question? Isn't "cry" loud and definitive? That said, I think the question mark is better than "in a questioning tone," if you want to convey uncertainty. M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 But would you "cry" a question? Isn't "cry" loud and definitive? Example: "Where were you?" he cried. But Marguerite's bloody blouse told her husband that she had been at the Fight Club again. It depends on the character and the question. Just sayin'. - Thoth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marguerite Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 Agreed. Feverishly rubbing out bloodstains, M P.S. And thanks to TAS for starting this discussion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 7, 2011 Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 P.S. And thanks to TAS for starting this discussion. Yes. Thanks, TAS. We so rarely get into a discussion of mechanics and style. Quite refreshing. - Thoth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thealtruismsociety Posted April 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 7, 2011 What about this example? What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks. The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve E Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 What about this example? What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks. The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized? Either, What a waste of time and money, worthless. or "What a waste of time and money, worthless," he thinks. If you put dialog in italics there's no point in adding "he thinks". But that's a stylistic point. - Thoth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serpententacle Posted April 8, 2011 Report Share Posted April 8, 2011 What about this example? What a waste of time and money, worthless, he thinks. The text in italics is an internal thought. You can use italics for this or single ' marks correct? I like italics better. Do I treat this like it was in quotes then? Comma replacing the period. Do I have to add, he thinks? Or is it clear being italicized? Italics works for internal thoughts, I would pick one thought or the other: What a waste of time and money. or just simply, and maybe more effective: Worthless. Because both thoughts are very similar. When in doubt... less is more. The "he thinks" is just fine. But sometimes you don't need the "he thinks". Just be consistent in your story so as to not confuse the reader. At least that's my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lrocki Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Hello-- This is my first post but I've been lurking and read the rough you posted way back when. For dramatic reasons I'd be very tempted to lose everything you possibly could cut before "There's not much time." Everything before it just sets the scene (the lab we are leaving and the building to which we do not return) and is not necessary. Maybe retain enough description giving us a sense of place and the urgency. Also it seems as if he is being chased for part, and then not. (The word "persuers," I guess) The other thing I'd strongly consider is to change the POV from omniscient to 3rd person limited. The omniscient narrator gives the piece an old fashioned feel, Edger Alan Poe-y almost. (Poe-y? You get what I mean, right?) 3rd person limited will enable you to play with things more and the reader gets to feel what Escher is feeling. He reaches for the doorknob and it slips from his sweaty grasp; he moves down the hall and we know at least part of his reason, he must get outside... (Why? I'll keep reading to find out!) With 3rd person limited, "falls on deaf ears" is not an issue because we know Escher's mind is on something else (or maybe he's so freaked out it's blank) and what they have to say is unimportant. You will be able to indicate this and add to the mystery of what is driving Escher's actions and keep us reading to find the answer. You can use the fact that he doesn't listen to his lab workers as a cue that something is amiss, heightening tension. You could adding more revolving door type details (excellent, by the way.) You might also enrich the opening by having the details reflect Escher's state of mind: his lab coat is askew, he leaves the lab door open (in too much of a hurry to close it --also adds weird tension for the reader. "Why didn't he bother to shut the door?") That sort of thing. Did I pick to much? I hope not! Your story has a nice twist at the end and I, as a reader, want to be closer to it for more emotional impact. I don't want to watch Escher, I want to be Escher (Well, at least until the end!) Thanks for reading my comments. I hope you find something helpful. Rocki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lrocki Posted April 26, 2011 Report Share Posted April 26, 2011 Hi, Me again. By cutting I mean to say that the phrase, "There's not much time," (spoken or thought) is a killer opening line. The killer part should be right at the beginning. Don't make me work for it. I'm a reader, I'm lazy If you don't want to cut, you could also rejigger things so that he says or thinks it first, before we even know his name. Just at thought. Rocki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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