An Exercise in Description

[Steakpirate]

Hey again folks. I'm posting another assignment from my creative writing class. This one is an extension of a writing exercise in description, we were supposed to talk about a familiar place, so what better to describe than where I live? I don't know how I wandered as far away topic-wise as I did in the end, guess I was bored.

 

In any case, I'd like you to tell me what you think if you have the time. Apologies again, Blogspot doesn't seem to do indents. If it's a problem I can put a blank line between paragraphs.

 

Do you get an idea of what the room looks like? Is there something that's confusing? What could be described better? Let me know

 

Here's the link: http://steakycw.blogspot.com/2009/01/wagne...rofessor-l.html

 

Thanks very much, The Steak Pirate

[Steve E]

Hey again folks. I'm posting another assignment from my creative writing class...

Do you get an idea of what the room looks like? Is there something that's confusing? What could be described better? Let me know.

 

Confusion abounds.

 

1) At the "end" of the room? Did you mean "opposite the door"?

2) Poorly lit? Is it dark or just deprived of lamps? It is, after all, a small room with a wide window. Is it night outside?

3) "On either side of the window a long bed can be found..." Can be found? Are you being playful? Do I have to look hard for this long bed in this small room?

4) Sentence structure aside, shouldn't it be "our bodies" not "their bodies" if one of them is yours? And why "bodies"? Are the two of you dead? (Now that would be interesting. The narrator is a ghost in a school for ghost!)

 

Okay, look, I'm not even through the first paragraph and I can see that your heart isn't in this assignment. I suggest that you re-read the whole thing carefully and out loud and then think about how it sounds to you and your cellmate. Frankly, to me it sounds like you're padding your word count instead of making your words count. (Did I just write that? ***SLAP***)

 

The assignment was "place description" and you certainly describe a lot of things (your story is practically a floor plan) but I didn't get an overall feeling for the place. I'd also like to point out that it reads very goth throughout, not just at the end. Does your professor like the goth style? Emo? If not I'd consider a rewrite.

 

I liked that you included sound with your description. (The sound of the wind outside, etc..) But why stop there? Do the pipes drip or gurgle? Can you hear when someone is flushing the toilet? Do the floors creak? What do you hear beyond the door at night? How does the room smell? Why does it smell that way? (Mold? Underwear?) What's the temperature now? Is it sweltering in the summer? Is there frost on the walls in the winter? Does the air taste of rust and urine (like a NYC subway) or does the cloying oder of a cheap air freshener coat your tongue and numb the buds? Are the sheets rough? What is the style of the furniture? Institutional? Art nouveau? Rococo? What's the color scheme? (What? Too femme?) Are there posters on the wall? Old beer cans on the floor? And here's a fun one: What's the psychic feel of the room? An office? A dentist's waiting room? Your parent's bedroom? Dorm rooms have complex vibes. What does "part bedroom, part party room, part office" really feel like? Bottom line: this is a dorm room, buddy, so why am I not feeling that? What would scream "dorm" to someone who has never seen one? (Do you need a hint?)

 

You'll probably get much better feedback from M. She used to be an editor and (apparently) is more open-minded about phrasing and word choices than I am. We all have our own styles, after all.

 

Sandblasting the great stone where I carve the story of my existence,

-Thoth.

[marguerite]

Confusion abounds.

 

1) At the "end" of the room? Did you mean "opposite the door"?

2) Poorly lit? Is it dark or just deprived of lamps? It is, after all, a small room with a wide window. Is it night outside?

3) "On either side of the window a long bed can be found..." Can be found? Are you being playful? Do I have to look hard for this long bed in this small room?

4) Sentence structure aside, shouldn't it be "our bodies" not "their bodies" if one of them is yours? And why "bodies"? Are the two of you dead? (Now that would be interesting. The narrator is a ghost in a school for ghost!)

 

Okay, look, I'm not even through the first paragraph and I can see that your heart isn't in this assignment. I suggest that you re-read the whole thing carefully and out loud and then think about how it sounds to you and your cellmate. Frankly, to me it sounds like you're padding your word count instead of making your words count. (Did I just write that? ***SLAP***)

 

The assignment was "place description" and you certainly describe a lot of things (your story is practically a floor plan) but I didn't get an overall feeling for the place. I'd also like to point out that it reads very goth throughout, not just at the end. Does your professor like the goth style? Emo? If not I'd consider a rewrite.

 

I liked that you included sound with your description. (The sound of the wind outside, etc..) But why stop there? Do the pipes drip or gurgle? Can you hear when someone is flushing the toilet? Do the floors creak? What do you hear beyond the door at night? How does the room smell? Why does it smell that way? (Mold? Underwear?) What's the temperature now? Is it sweltering in the summer? Is there frost on the walls in the winter? Does the air taste of rust and urine (like a NYC subway) or does the cloying oder of a cheap air freshener coat your tongue and numb the buds? Are the sheets rough? What is the style of the furniture? Institutional? Art nouveau? Rococo? What's the color scheme? (What? Too femme?) Are there posters on the wall? Old beer cans on the floor? And here's a fun one: What's the psychic feel of the room? An office? A dentist's waiting room? Your parent's bedroom? Dorm rooms have complex vibes. What does "part bedroom, part party room, part office" really feel like? Bottom line: this is a dorm room, buddy, so why am I not feeling that? What would scream "dorm" to someone who has never seen one? (Do you need a hint?)

 

You'll probably get much better feedback from M. She used to be an editor and (apparently) is more open-minded about phrasing and word choices than I am. We all have our own styles, after all.

 

Sandblasting the great stone where I carve the story of my existence,

-Thoth.

She's still an editor, in fact. Sir Percy may be the wealthiest man in England, but so far he hasn't earned a cent for his devoted chronicler, so the editing puts bread on the table.

 

Here, however, I'm going to bow out and leave the field to Thoth. I think if you ask yourself the questions he's posing, you'll begin to approach the project in a different way.

 

My fundamental point would be the same as his--and similar to the one I made with your shark tale. There are lots of details here, but you're trying too hard to impress us (Thoth, the bodies belong to the beds, which is why he says "their bodies"--but "bodies" is not the right word for a bed, only for its occupants), and the details convey the specifics of the room but not, yet, its feel. The trick is to select (or invent) details to create a mood that the reader will then experience for him/herself--not merely to list objects, one after another.

Keep working on it along the lines Thoth suggests and you'll get it,

Best,

M

[Steve E]

She's still an editor, in fact. Sir Percy may be the wealthiest man in England, but so far he hasn't earned a cent for his devoted chronicler, so the editing puts bread on the table.

Humblest apologies, Madame. Please extend my regards to Sir Percy and my regrets that I cannot make our brunch at Clos Maggiore. The balloon races, you know.

 

Thoth, the bodies belong to the beds, which is why he says "their bodies"...

Admittedly, a stylization I did not catch. The bodies belong to the bed: I suppose I should read more Neo-Victorian BDSM lit.

 

Your observant,

-Thoth.

[Steakpirate]

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. I've had to turn m thoughts away from that project for a time, but I'll certainly need to revisit it at some point in the near future, and so your criticism will prove most helpful.

 

This next piece, I hope you'll find, I enjoyed writing a little bit more. Our task was to create another piece in the same world, and so I've pasted my original story in front of this one for reference, I haven't yet had the chance to revise it.

 

It's the part currently titled "A Timeworn Legacy". I have to warn you that this goes an entirely different direction. I tend to get all lonely and sentimental-like at the wee hours of the morning. Nevertheless, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

 

As I'm a bit tired of blogspot I thought I'd try uploading the document as a PDF attachment.

[marguerite]

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. I've had to turn m thoughts away from that project for a time, but I'll certainly need to revisit it at some point in the near future, and so your criticism will prove most helpful.

 

This next piece, I hope you'll find, I enjoyed writing a little bit more. Our task was to create another piece in the same world, and so I've pasted my original story in front of this one for reference, I haven't yet had the chance to revise it.

 

It's the part currently titled "A Timeworn Legacy". I have to warn you that this goes an entirely different direction. I tend to get all lonely and sentimental-like at the wee hours of the morning. Nevertheless, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.

 

As I'm a bit tired of blogspot I thought I'd try uploading the document as a PDF attachment.

I liked this one the best of the three. It took me a while to find time for it, but that had nothing to do with the story--just work-related stuff.

 

Not every point was clear. For example, I thought you were joshing when you talked about your youth, until I got to the end and realized the narrator was a middle-aged man. And although he said he sometimes showed up for 4th of July celebrations, the only reason I knew that he was at one while talking was because I'd read the earlier story. There's also much more telling than showing (some telling is necessary, whatever you may hear, but this is almost all exposition).

 

On the whole, though, I'd say you're making progress. Nice!

Best,

M

[Steve E]

Hi SP

 

Like Marguerite, I'm afraid I had other pressing matters. Also like M, I agree that this is the best of the three. Good going.

 

But, yeah, you do have a kind of "laundry list" way of writing. Okay, the narrator's son has "windswept medium-length hair". I assume it's windswept because he's outside and it's windy. Was that your intention? And why do I care that his hair is medium length? (What's "medium length" anyway? Shaggy?) It was an intrusive adjective that jarred the narrative flow (at least for me). I think you saw him in your mind's eye and made a laundry list of attributes and felt obliged to name them all.

 

And now for the little stuff (as in "don't sweat the little stuff").

 

You never explained why the narrator was creeping across the attic. Was noise a problem? Was he afraid the floorboards would give way? Was he afraid of something?

 

I've seen a few farms in my life. What I've never seen was a barn built adjoining or even next to the main dwelling. I think you can guess the reason. But I suppose, if there isn't much acreage, this particular arrangement might be necessary. It just struck me as odd. That's all. No real criticism here.

 

Another thing that jarred me was the narrator's parents moving to the Big City just to get away from it all. Were you being ironic? I usually catch irony.

 

Why was the trip down the highway a "trek" - a long arduous journey? You never say.

 

There were a few run-on sentences towards the end. (The fastest way a good yarn can lose a reader's attention is with a run-on sentence.) You typoed "The" when you meant something else (e.g.,"They") a few times but who hasn't? And there was some inconsistent use of capitalization ("uncle ray" would be pissed).

 

All and all, beyond M's comments, there isn't much to criticize. I'd watch those strings of adjectives and run-on sentences, though.

-Thoth.

[Steakpirate]

Hi SP

 

Like Marguerite, I'm afraid I had other pressing matters. Also like M, I agree that this is the best of the three. Good going.

 

But, yeah, you do have a kind of "laundry list" way of writing. Okay, the narrator's son has "windswept medium-length hair". I assume it's windswept because he's outside and it's windy. Was that your intention? And why do I care that his hair is medium length? (What's "medium length" anyway? Shaggy?) It was an intrusive adjective that jarred the narrative flow (at least for me). I think you saw him in your mind's eye and made a laundry list of attributes and felt obliged to name them all.

 

And now for the little stuff (as in "don't sweat the little stuff").

 

You never explained why the narrator was creeping across the attic. Was noise a problem? Was he afraid the floorboards would give way? Was he afraid of something?

 

I've seen a few farms in my life. What I've never seen was a barn built adjoining or even next to the main dwelling. I think you can guess the reason. But I suppose, if there isn't much acreage, this particular arrangement might be necessary. It just struck me as odd. That's all. No real criticism here.

 

Another thing that jarred me was the narrator's parents moving to the Big City just to get away from it all. Were you being ironic? I usually catch irony.

 

Why was the trip down the highway a "trek" - a long arduous journey? You never say.

 

There were a few run-on sentences towards the end. (The fastest way a good yarn can lose a reader's attention is with a run-on sentence.) You typoed "The" when you meant something else (e.g.,"They") a few times but who hasn't? And there was some inconsistent use of capitalization ("uncle ray" would be pissed).

 

All and all, beyond M's comments, there isn't much to criticize. I'd watch those strings of adjectives and run-on sentences, though.

-Thoth.

 

Thanks again! Your comments are extremely helpful.

 

Regarding the creeping, the way I write is very strange. Sometimes an idea for the next sentence or part of a story will pop into my head before I finish transcribing my current thought. I will sometimes literally stop mid-sentence, jump down a few lines and start the next paragraph, finish it and go back. This being the case, I don't always get back to things in the first pass. I believe I intended it to be for the reason of noise.

 

As for the farm, I'll admit I've never actually been to a farm, at least as far as I can remember. What I really meant to get across was the idea that it was near enough to hear the animals at night. I'll definitely go back and rework that part.

 

A big yes to the laundry list. I was basically just transcribing what I had decided he looked like. I have a bit of trouble with dialogue and characters.

You nailed it right on the head—I have trouble knowing what to leave and what to leave out; what should be spoonfed and what the reader should decide for themselves.

That's why feedback is really helpful (And yes, I think the implication was that it was windy, but I didn't want to break from the point to narrate it or something.)

 

Run-on-sentences are probably a result of me trying to get through describing things in one pass, another one of my many problems—Will take a look on the next run-through.

 

 

I know there's a big disconnect between the two stories. At some point I intend to either make them stand-alone or somehow work them together, but I've been busy and I have a bad habit of doing things last minute, so I don't get around to revision too much.

 

In the future when I start writing seriously, I'd like to actually put some research into things rather than just writing out of my ass. For now I'm sort of winging it.

 

As always, your comments are appreciated.

Thanks~

 

More to come . . . Eventually.

 

-SP

 

PS: We're reading nothing but "Literary Fiction" in CW (Creative Writing), it is the most boring, depressing -Expletive Deleted- that I've ever read. I really don't understand why EVERY story needs to be so sad and screwed up, to the point of making your own day more gloomy. It's not impossible to meet the official definition of Literary Fiction with something upbeat, something that actually portrays some miniscule sense of hope for humanity.

 

I'd rather write to inspire than to incite suicide.

[Steve E]

Thanks again! Your comments are extremely helpful.

You're very welcome.

 

I believe I intended it [the creeping] to be for the reason of noise.

Yeah but why? Why did the narrator have to be stealthy in his old room?

 

What I really meant to get across was the idea that it was near enough to hear the animals at night. I'll definitely go back and rework that part.

Fun fact: Unlike humans, farm livestock go to sleep when the sun goes down and wake with the dawn. They're not noisy at night. What is noisy are all the night critters like crickets and owls. I wouldn't expect a howling wolf around modern farmland but, strangely enough, they're showing up more and more in suburban areas. (Ragnarök approaches?)

 

(And yes, I think the implication was that it was windy, but I didn't want to break from the point to narrate it or something.)

I know what you mean. My problem is that I often have two or more things I want to say but only one is compatible with the sentence or paragraph I'm in, in terms of thought and flow.

 

...so I don't get around to revision too much.

"Writing is rewriting." -Hemingway (and others).

 

In the future when I start writing seriously, I'd like to actually put some research into things rather than just writing out of my ass. For now I'm sort of winging it.

Without a doubt, research is important. And it can contribute to the story as much (or more in terms of volume) as any other factor including plot. But don't underestimate the value of writing extemporaneously. I've pulled some amazing things out of my ass.

 

PS: We're reading nothing but "Literary Fiction" in CW (Creative Writing), it is the most boring, depressing -Expletive Deleted- that I've ever read. I really don't understand why EVERY story needs to be so sad and screwed up, to the point of making your own day more gloomy. It's not impossible to meet the official definition of Literary Fiction with something upbeat, something that actually portrays some miniscule sense of hope for humanity.

The Hollywood Ending is a fairly recent phenomenon. Have you ever read classic fairy tales in their original form, not the Disney version? Ariel dies at the end of The Little Mermaid. Cinderella's evil stepmother is tortured to death, made to dance in white-hot iron boots.

 

George Orwell (real name: Eric Arthur Blair) was once asked why he wrote about dystopia. He said that joy is transitory but unpleasantness (classic British understatement there) it is our nature to remember. He wanted his stories to be remembered.

 

It's like The Blues, Steakpirate: If we're sad we can feel better by hearing about other people's abject misery.

 

Or, maybe your Creative Writing professor is a sadistic b****. But he/she/it probably just wants you to read something you'd normally shy away from.

 

I'd rather write to inspire than to incite suicide.

A surprisingly large number of writers inspire suicide unintentionally.

Good luck with the next draft.

-Thoth.