A Tragicomedic experiment

[Steakpirate]

Hello again folks! I had to write a 4+ page story for workshopping in CW this tuesday, and I decided to experiment. My brain really hurts after finishing it, to the point where I'm not sure if it's terrible or just a little dry. Tell me what you think please!

[Steve E]

Hello again folks! I had to write a 4+ page story for workshopping in CW this tuesday, and I decided to experiment. My brain really hurts after finishing it, to the point where I'm not sure if it's terrible or just a little dry. Tell me what you think please!

Since you asked...your tragicomic story is, as I'm sure you recognize, a "sad sack" piece: bad things happening to a good guy. I'm glad to see you've tempered your laundry list style but you replaced it with a list of tragicomic events. This is perfectly acceptable in a sad sack story but can be deadly dull in other kinds of short stories. Your basic problem, as I see it, is that your payoff (squishing poor Mister Fluffems again and the tragic nature thereof) is underemphasized. That's where the juice is. You made it plain that Roy doesn't like his job and is on the edge of quitting anyway. He doesn't think much of his car. So it's his girlfriend and her love for Mister Fluffems that makes the payoff sizzle.

 

Next. The story reads like it was written in a hurry. Missing words and punctuation. Missing or inconsistace spelling. Some awkard sentence structure. I assume that Professor Lopez isn't grading you on spelling and grammar.

 

Now about "dissatisfying" squish: interesting choice of word. In my own experience I might have gone with "disheartening" or even "heart stopping". To each his own.

 

I suppose I should point out that you call your protagonist "the man" throughout the first half of the story and never mention his name ("Roy") until the second half. Was this deliberate? If so, why?

 

Lastly, I notice that you go out of your way to point out that Roy practices good oral hygiene but you never use this characteristic in the story. (Maybe someone with a "dirty mouth" could plant one on him). I also noticed that he doesn't shave. Maybe his old fashioned boss doesn't like him because he has a beard. Just a thought.

 

They call him MISTER Fluffems. Keep it consistent. Cats hate when you get their name wrong. (Your narrator misspelled Mr. Johnston's name wrong too, using Johnsohn. It's okay for a character to get it wrong but not a third person narrator.)

-Thoth.